This is not guilt.
This is not blame.
This is clarity.
Somewhere between the Light of dawn and the smell of the sponge I use to clean my dishes, I recognize myself. Not the polished version, not the one I imagined I would become, but the one who appears in ordinary moments. I watch my reflection superimpose itself on the rushing darkness within. Now the words surface, clear and calm: I know this is all my creation. I experience Love through Self-Recognition.
It’s far more than intellectual comfort, far deeper than anything I expected to “learn.” It is initiation through the discipline of brutal self-honesty. I could not breathe anything else. Because before this quiet knowing would settle, it twists. The clarity collapses into a sharper, more visceral recognition. If I am the creator of my reality, then the emptiness, the confusion, the longing that I experienced… it’s all my responsibility.
Now Truth hits me, not as wisdom. It lands as exposure. I face the truth of my own ego’s pursuit of the extraordinary: its hunger for special states, special moments, miraculous insights: its obsession with transcendence. And then the collapse. Not experiencing it, my expectations ignored, a feeling of disappointment... Finally realizing the disappointment itself was corrupted. The wish for the extraordinary was a biased, ignorant, unconscious motive I didn’t want to face. A motive I wanted to disown. A motive that felt too ugly to admit. A rejected hunger driving me.
Here’s the part I didn’t want to see: as long as I serve this hidden hunger, I misuse the energy that should be devoted to Love. I bend it inward, twist it toward egoic goals, siphon it away from the people I love. Not through action. Not through intention. Simply through inner orientation. As long as the daemon is fed, awareness becomes distorted. Energy becomes extraction. Even tenderness becomes a background instrument for a deeper, unconscious motive.
Seeing this was like stripping something occult naked: a true Calcination (Calcinatio). There was no choice but to see. No turning away.
And then, through Dissolution (Solutio), came the laughter. From the deepest layers of my being. Liberating. So liberating!
Not mocking.
Not cruel.
The laughter of a sudden rupture. An ancient tension breaking all at once.
Laughing because I saw how ridiculously ingenious the ego is, how cleverly it hides its petty interests inside my most “spiritual” aspirations.
I laughed because I finally saw the whole architecture. I laughed because nothing remained hidden. The need for hiding had vanished into thin air. The alchemical Separation (Separatio) took place. The daemon stood fully exposed, and without its dark corner to live in.
That’s when I began to feel the teaching behind everything I had been resisting:
All I need is to slow down. The beginning of the alchemical Conjunction (Coniunctio).
Not as an idea.
Not as advice.
As a cellular recognition.
I could feel it in any situation: even when I believed I was being slowed down against my will, delayed, blocked. The tension I felt wasn’t from life holding me back. It was from me pushing forward with too much momentum, too little presence. Chasing the next goal, the next insight.
When, through alchemical Fermentation (Fermentatio), I effortlessly stopped resisting, something shifted...
What had felt like obstruction became grounding.
What had felt like delay became presence.
What had felt like victimhood became alignment.
Slowing down is not laziness.
Slowing down is not giving up.
When I slow down, I stop feeding the pursuit of the extraordinary.
When I slow down, I return the energy to Love, to Presence, to the moment, to the people around me. To Listening.
When I slow down, I stop misusing Life-Energy for my egoic motives. Alchemical Distillation (Distillatio) is now accomplished. Allowing the Coagulation (Coagulatio) to follow naturally:
In that slowing, three internal layers become obvious:
A quiet, simple insight: reality is my reflection.
A twisting energy that weaponizes that insight into guilt.
And a distancing fog that protects me when the feelings of guilt hit too hard.
I used to treat these movements as a paradox.
Now I see them as a single loop of Self-Recognition: truth, distortion, protection.
All happening at once.
All part of the same process.
Nothing to fix.
Everything to see.
From here, a different truth emerges:
I am not guilty for creating this.
I am gently being invited to be involved in Creation. To be seen.
The daemon.
The distortion.
The pursuit.
The disgust.
The laughter.
The slowing.
The Self.
This is not guilt.
This is not blame.
This is clarity.
